Hello, I am Kente Bates, and I am a scam artist.
Yes, you all heard it here first. Based on what I get from folks on the internet and in life in general. But before I put myself on the stand, we need to know what a scam artist really is, what they represent, and where they are usually located. By definition, as scam artist, or confidence artist is someone that defrauds a person or group after first gaining their confidence, in the classical sense of trust. So what do they represent? Just getting over on everybody else to get money, sex or whatever else. Where are they located? They are located all over. The biggest ones are in key positions of leadership, often in politics, the media and in music.
BATES: I call KENTE to the stand.
Kente walks up to the stand. He holds his right hand up, left hand on a Bible.
BALIFF: Kente, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you God?
KENTE: I do.
JUDGE: You may be seated.
BATES: Now, Kente, you are here on the accusation of several dozen people that you are a scam artist. Is that true?
KENTE: “Never. I would never scam anyone, because it is not in my nature to do so”.
BATES (laughing): Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh right. We all know everyone who is not a known name cannot guarantee a thing. YOU are a scam artist! ADMIT IT!
KENTE (calmly): “I realize you’re doing your job, but it ain’t working. I have never scammed anyone, nor will I ever scam anyone. All I do is help people. it’s in my DNA”.
BATES: “You expect me, this court, and all those watching in the world to believe that you are not a liar, not a scammer? We have transcripts of Nigerians calling you a scammer. Now if we can’t take the word of a Nigerian “businessman”, who can you believe”?
KENTE: You take a look at the internet, society and all- who runs everything? Scam artists. Now, we have all been trained to spot the scammer, but look at who the biggest ones are- the ones running the cities, the governments- add to that the people who are weak-minded, the dope boys, the hoes, the SIMPs- all the politicians, all the musicians, ad people. Those are scam artists- big time scammers.
BATES: Again, do you expect us to believe the word of some unknown like you? Why should we? You can’t do anything! You can’t get me any money, you can’t get me hooked up with a chick, and you can’t get me anything so I can get high. You are worthless, not a leader, irresponsible, scatter-brained, weak. YOU ARE A LOSER. YOU ARE A SCAM ARTIST. YOU ARE A JOKE. JUST ADMIT IT.
KENTE (agitated): Not only are you trying to bait me, but you’re grossly out-of-line, sir. You are in no position to challenge or question my expertise. You speak as if you know any of my struggles, from the time I was six years old up to now. I have spent my life helping people, refining who and what I am, only to see it rebuffed time and again by losers. You, sir, have no clue as to what it entails for you to lose everything you have. I know firsthand what this is like. SEVEN TIMES I have lost everything. Working myself almost in the grave- collapsing in public, working when I had pneumonia and could barely stand. I have done everything in my power to ensure a life of respectability, and I stand firm on that. Ask anybody I ever worked for. I am the archetypical hard worker. You, my friend are out of your league coming at me with this garbage!
BATES (sarcastically bored): Now that your monologue is done, I wish to bring out exhibit A- the track record of people like you, who are wanting money for nothing. Let the court bear the testimony of Raymond R. Mulalas (name changed to protect actual people): “He goes looking for money, now he’s offering money- SCAM.” See? That’s proof positive there. Exhibit B states that in a fundraising consult, you were found out to be “lacking in all fundamentals of fundraising, often delving into grandiose illusions rather than concrete evidence. Let Exhibit C state that the defendant also, “Does not have his head on straight. The simple fact that he is trying to raise funds online should show you he is a shady character at best”. BATES motions to the door. “I now offer before the court a testimonial by a Ryan Brown, a REAL money man. Mr. Brown runs a financial firm. He was interested in Kente’s ad, but he found that Kente was a scammer, through and through. BATES pops in the tape, the tape begins: “Both me and Kente were conversating, and were about to come to a deal, but I knew something wasn’t right- all my questions were answered, but I just didn’t feel at ease about this. I am someone who checks everything before making a deal. If I cannot get the upper hand, will back out. The last time I talked to him, he starts popping off at the mouth, calling me an arrogant prick, how he didn’t need me, etc. The fool was BROKE, couldn’t even afford to pick up the tab for the service he was offering. Not to mention that, but I must say again, it just sounded too good to be true! Nobody offers anything like that anywhere without it being some kind of scam. Yes, he sent me information, names, addresses, numbers- but I just don’t do deals that way.” The tape ends. BATES is standing, with a smirk on his face, as to suggest he has boxed KENTE in.
BATES: Now, we all have the word of an actual person, on video, that is concurrent, germane and congruent with what I have been laying down the past hour. Kente has yet to prove he is anything but a mealy-mouthed, forked-tongued liar who is just nothing more than a scam, a fake and a cheat. So, Kente, you need to answer ALL my allegations. We all know you are just are a hack who can’t cut it.
KENTE (visibly angry): In reiteration, you must have just bumped your head. I have stated just what and who I am. You can bring up as many folk as you want, but they were and always will be fearful people. Don’t you never try any crap like that with me. These guys and gals thought it’d be something for nothing, waste my valuable time- I am trying to build a business, and these hacks are all online, in my presence telling me I have nothing to offer, that I am a mere scam artist? I have had a lot of insults hurled my way in my 37 years- but nothing enrages me more than some jack boy lying on me, telling me to my face that I am not worth anything other than a waste of space. It is very infuriating to hear these lies. It’s bad enough to hear lies come from the mouths of fools online, but to hear these gross misrepresentations of me, my intellectual property is downright egregious and might I add, a travesty of justice.
BATES: No further questions, Your Honor.
The jury deliberates for 3 hours. The jury is arguing every point made, arguing every jot, tittle and line explained, exclaimed and portrayed.
All of the participants of the trial reassemble. The verdict is about to be read aloud:
JUDGE: Jury, what is your verdict?
FOREMAN: Your Honor, we find the defendant, Kente not guilty of all counts.
JUDGE: Kente, you have been absolved of all reasonable doubt. You have been found not guilty of the charge of being a scam artist by a jury of your peers. I have nothing more to add to this. You are free to go. BANGS GAVEL. You are dismissed.
I want to thank all of you for reading this. I hope it was as entertaining for you reading this as it was for me writing it, imagining the players in it, and the feelings associated with several of the players in it.